Sunday, December 30, 2007

people like to
find excuses to be happy
in this world that wasn't
designed to be.

like tomorrow,
(today's 31Dec, i dont know
whats wrong with blogger)
when there is going to be
this
hideous collective global euphoria
about the earth
making another
successful orbit round the
freakin' sun.

hooray.

anyway
i dont mean to be
the party pooper for all
you zealous people
enthusiastic about
orbits, planets and such..
im just not the astronomical
person.

a lot has gone on in 2007,
mostly for the better.
not to say it wasn't messed up-
it always is-
just, ive had worse years.

i have been hanging around
with happy people,
embracing their happy thoughts
and patronizing their
happy expression outlets.
yes, it is a step.
i sometimes even like these
happy people,
so that really is a step.

i might make plans to
be one of them even.
yeah, i could.

do happy things like
like
inserting smiley emoticons
into text msges,
getting involved in circles
and
finding The Person
to share every darn gory
detail of my
daily happenings without
feeling the need to silence
or banish this Person.

ok maybe not.
ive never functioned like that,
i need some levels of
gloom,
or else i might go into
some kinda cold turkey.

quite honestly
ive been doing things
totally out of character
recently,
which is an indication of
hormones or
an incoming ( or ongoing ) lowpoint.

and its not good.
it's like, im losing my cold factor.
ive been getting involved.

that's not good,
i need to switch back to
MY mode-
no loyalties, no emotions,
no allowances to invite damage.

instead.
what have i been doing?
i have been participating
in circles,
i have been bringing adult strangers
to a foreign country,
i have been doing adultish bullcrap,
i have been expecting
the unexpected text msg,
i have been looking out for people,
i have been proclaiming about
loving the weak and being hopeful,
gosh,
i think i might
have been almost happy.

it's kinda weird,
but a good weird.
i finally am coping a bit
better.
even as
so many things remain
upsetting,
i am still
grappling with abysmally
tragic grades,
still struggling to be
that normal kid,
i finally can be okay.

it's nice to be okay.

10:57 PM

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

i apologise for
my lack of blogskin.
the old one got too cramp
and my options seem to be limited to
either
angmoh strangers emo-ing/looking afar
or smiling angmoh children with annoying
one-liners like I Love You Forever.
SO.
i might stay with this for awhile tho,
it's ugly.
i like ugly.
sometimes.

MOVING ALONG.

men are engineered to be logical.

they don't put colour on their
faces and nails,
they don't, or they generally don't,
grow their hair beyond a length
that requires management,
they don't develop protrusions
on their chests or need extra
layers of material to handle those
protrusions,
(well ok they have protrusions
elsewhere but erm i wont even go there)
they also don't elevate themselves
4 inches from earth,
they don't tolerate shoes
designed to torment the human feet
with blisters,
they aren't expected to be minimally
clothed to be hot
and WHAT THE HECK
male bonding don't even
require half as much
emotional energy as
female bonding.

(i stereotype but i am female
and i am illogical)

i think
if there werent the mating business
or human race continuation thing going on
women will freaking be eliminated
via natural selection
for making life more
uncomfortable than it is supposed to be.

goodbye singapore
im flying to Hanoi tmr!
again!

merry boxing day.

6:47 PM

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

marathoning three seasons
of grey's anatomy at
one go is not horribly healthy.
kinda like participating in
the lives of several
dark, twisted, bitter surgeons
talking sardonic,
living messed up lives and
getting raunchy all over the place.

puts me in some sorta
delusion that maybe
im not so strange.

i hate to sound like i
take tv seriously but
tv seduces the wreckage
out of me and forces me to cope.
the calculated tearjerkers,
and the glorifying of its
broken characters, all
destructive in their
own darned screwedup way.

maybe this surgical unit
in my tv set is
somewhat reflective of
our world.

watching greys
i kinda concluded that life
is a series of crossovers,
and getting from one side
to the other drives us absolutely insane.
it's really not so simple.
like how you go from healthy
to not healthy,
then from not healthy to struggling to live,
and from struggling to live to learning to die,
and from that to finally having to die.

they kinda seem like the natural
course of events,
but every juncture will be a
fresh ordeal
if we personally
had to accomplish them.

it's just not the same everytime
you cross.
you want to imagine that
you've fortified,
getting good at it, even.
but every single time we'd feel
like we bearly made it.
it's not the same accepting disease
and accepting that the disease has
defeated you.

sometimes i look at my grandmother,
i think about how,
one day,
if i have the chance to grow old,
my legs would give way,
my arms won't perform as my brains instruct,
i ramble and i forget,
my children roll their cold unloving eyes
when i talk,
i am wrinkled, confused and
want nothing more than to get out of
that wretched nursing home that
my family had "no choice" but to
put me up in-
would i recall how i was 60 years earlier:
clear mind, typing away on my laptop
which perhaps by that time would
have become obsolete.

when i am 80 and i realise
that my decades of existence
aren't even worth
any member of my family bending backwards
and making arrangements to fit me in,
would i be too old to feel terribly upset?

and i think,
if i do die, would i disappear?
i mean, this consciousness that's
typing away,
would it just degenerate?
would i just degenerate?
even Great People have degenerated,
am i going to join them in the
degeneration,
and just cease to exist?

its fun to be part of the cosmic joke,
but not so much when it ends.

so.
i really would like to
believe in heaven.
its kinda comforting,
yknow, to know
that i will still be me
even if when my body fails.

have a heck of a merry christmas.

12:31 AM

Friday, December 21, 2007

the thing about drawing lines
is that
you keep youself in,
you don't keep people out.

so i think
it's not us, it's them.

yea
whatever gets me through today.

11:50 AM

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Mrs Harris.
movie from about 4 years
ago, great one anyhow.

2:28 PM

Sunday, December 02, 2007

sometimes i wonder if
it will suffice to just be
really sorry..
and nothing else.
because that's how i always
find myself-
passive when
dealing with guilt.

so when it comes to people
i feel mainly apologetic and
not terribly at ease.

on one hand,
i (somedays) degenerate to a
14 year old mentality,
and feel like it's my way
of punishing the world for
making it hard for me to be
entirely happy.

on the other hand,
i prefer to disappear !
i am what PM Goh Chok Tong would
refer to as a quitter
you can despise me !

i also secretly believe that
if i never _________
maybe i wouldn't be half the enigma
i am today.
i could have grown up different,
i could even have been normal,
or what the heck,
nice!

the place was harsh,
and still a difficult place to
go back to.
i was wrecked quite bad..
and i would like to recover to
pre-wreckage days !

-----
will be tourleading
to vietnam next week,
so hello all you strangers.
some butterflies in the stomach,
but GOTTA DO WHATS GOTTA BE DONE!
see u alls.

10:42 PM